Written by MD
It’s that time of the year again – when we decide the future leader of the free world the same way that we decide who gets the two wheat and 1 stone space in Settlers of Catan. In this post, I will explain the best possible rules for setting up your democratic primary draft, as well as some tips and tricks for which candidates will net you the most points on the path to going up against the guy who can’t even comprehensively explain how computers work.
The basic rules are simple. We go with a standard snake draft with a randomly selected order, and each person selects who they think has the best chance of advancing in the Democratic primary. Each selection should prioritize who you think will win the nomination (of course) however, points will also be awarded to candidates who survive for an extended period of time as we approach the convention, as well as candidates which win a state primary (so don’t lose out on free points from clear gimmes). On top of that, a point will be awarded for each candidate which racks up at least 100 undemocratic super delegates.
If you’re a list kind of person:
· 1 Point for having at least 100 superdelegates committed to the candidate at any point in the race
· 1 Point for winning at least one State primary (which even hopeless candidates have a chance of achieving).
· 24 Points for picking the ultimate nominee, 23 points for runner up, 22 for third place, etc. all the way to 1 point for the first person to exit the race.
o Some of you may be wondering “but MD, there were only 20 people in the debates, why is it out of 24 points,” and to that I would say you should educate yourself on the 4 poor souls who are apparently less worthy of being on stage than Marianne Williamson.
· In the even of a brokered convention, emergency powers will be awarded to the draft master and we take it day by day.
· Trade deadline is 24 hours before polls close for the South Carolina Primary
With these rules established, here are the current power rankings so far after the first debates:
Joe Biden – 1
Like it or not, Uncle Joe has really grasped his hands around the unsuspecting shoulders of this race. While it’s still too early to see how this will play out, there’s no denying his value as projected first overall pick. Regardless of a less-than-stellar debate performance which has him playing a lot of defense, this guy is basically OG Golden State after KD went down, so it’s basically assured that everything will work out for him.
Elizabeth Warren – 2
Liz has nevertheless persisted with a significant rise in the power rankings, with a 2% increase in the polls after the debates, or about 2000 times the amount she is Native American. We’re projecting her to go in the first round regardless of how the nomination shakes out, so whoever picks her better hope her recent rise isn’t as statistically insignificant as her DNA results.
Bernie Sanders – 3
Definitely remains in the top 1% of 1% of draft choices, regardless of the fact that basically every other candidate in this race is feeling the Bern with about 30-40 years less mileage. If 2016 is any indication, my man will be in this for the long haul with a solid base of die-hard support, so you can expect to get some extreme value as we get deeper in this race.
Kamala Harris – 4
Great offensive production from Harris lately, which is to be expected from the prosecutor turned judge/jury/executioner. We had her much lower on the list prior to the debates, but a strong performance puts her solidly in the top 5 for the upcoming draft.
Pete Buttigieg – 5
Mayor Pete’s on fire lately in our INTBQ “have a beer with” rankings and has taught us all about the meaning of Christianity and Indiana sports. Hasn’t quite broken out in the polls but I expect him to pull out his step-ladder and get some traction in the coming weeks.
Corey Booker – 6
Coming in at just under the top 5, but really the top 6 is the real marquee for how to do rankings, or even top 14. Impressive showing in the first debate, and people seem to like him, but I imagine most of them are on or selling prescription drugs. Number 2 in our Spanish Language rankings on INTBQ Desportes, and number 6 here, so all around great value.
Beto O’Rourke – 7
Some weak production recently from Robert Kennedy Jr. Jr., but he’s proven that he can get within striking distance of beating human Play-Doh in a general election. They say if you’re gonna run in Texas, you can’t be a liberal man, but luckily for Beto it’ll take some time before his democratic opponents can come up with catchy songs in all 50 states, so expect him to hold out for a reasonable amount of time.
Julian Castro – 8
One of the leaders of the JV squad after the first night’s debate, and easily tied with the other Texas candidate who won’t be President. One of these guys should drop out and run for Senate, but along the way expect to get some more fierce eyebrow raises and intense discussions about what laws Beto O’Rourke should have repealed when he was running the House of Reps.
Andrew Yang – 9
The notorious leader of the Yang Gang was not on his A game tonight, and couldn’t even coherently explain the one issue of his one issue candidacy. This pick is gonna come down to whether you think the American people prefer scary math words and free money over not falling asleep when the president is speaking.
Amy Klobuchar – 10
Could have had a better performance, but still had some good zingers during the debate and probably left in a good enough mood that she didn’t need to publicly execute too many of her staff. Maybe she can be like Walter Mondale and help the democrats hold onto Minnesota with an iron fist.
Kirsten Gillibrand – 11
I like a team that plays hard, regardless of the cards stacked against them, and this describes Gillibrand to a T. In the next debate, if she doesn’t body slam Harris, say “fuck no” to handing over the mic, then swear off debates for lent, I’ll be sorely disappointed.
Tulsi Gabbard -12
Way too low energy in the last debate, but what can you expect when your day consists of luaus and reminding everyone of your military service. At least she got to remind us all about some obvious facts about who perpetrated 9/11. Lucky for her, by not getting in her own way egregiously she barely makes the top half of our rankings.
Marianne Williamson – 13
Absolute unit of a candidate. Girlfriend was ON at the debate and has flawlessly implemented the most creative anti-plan schemes since the Joker. We know that memes are power in a crowded primary field, so Williamson has the potential to net you solid mid-tier value in your primary draft. There’s potential for her to break out since we know hindsight is 20:20, but she hasn’t even talked about her dick size on stage yet so we here at INTBQ are in a holding pattern on the potential maximum value of Oprah’s spiritual advisor. If only Oprah had run so we could have asked her hard hitting policy questions about being trolled by the hacker known as 4chan, or that time she forced unnecessary taxes onto unsuspecting guests, or about the numerous times she’s pedaled snake oil on her show.
Eric Swalwell – 14
Dude came out guns blazing on the second night during Comedy Central’s Roast of Joe Biden. Unfortunately for him, there’s probably a few other candidates Uncle Joe is more likely to puff-puff pass the torch to.
Bill De Blasio – 15
Late to declare for the draft, or rather, operating on CP time as De Blasio would say, but certainly made himself known in the debate like a New Yorker throwing himself into 6 lanes of traffic. If only he made any effort whatsoever to get the subway working in NYC, then maybe he would have made it sooner.
Michael Bennett – 16
At least he’s not the worst candidate from Colorado in this race?
John Hickenlooper – 17
Fucking Christ, there are way too many people in this race.
John Delaney – 18
First guy to run all the way back in 2017, so probably one of the last to leave. Literally zero chance of winning anything, but he might give you good positioning in the final order?
Jay Inslee – 19
My reaction to anyone picking him in the first round.
Tim Ryan – 20
Love the intensity, but dude needs to establish some level of chill. Likely last round pick, not even worth it in a trade package.
Steve Bullock – 21
Poor Steve Bullock didn’t even make the debates after getting completely shafted by the DNC. Just goes to show you how hard it is to pull in quality talent for a small-market candidate when the media is foaming over all these New York, California, Boston and Vermont based teams.
Mike Gravel – 22
I looked up Gravel on Wikipedia, and it assures me that he is a loose aggregation of rock fragments, classified by particle size range which includes classes from granule to boulder-sized. Probably gonna get crushed.
Seth Moulton – 23
Joe Sestak – 24
This guy gave us Pat Toomey, so picking him is basically like picking a Republican, or a local grocery store bag boy who somehow finds a way to cut a hole in the bottom of the plastic every time.
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